April is Stress Awareness Month.  Stress is something I am very aware of as there have been times in my life when I have been overwhelmed and felt I just couldn’t cope.

Not surprising given that the Mental Health Foundation’s 2018 research found that 74% of UK adults have felt so stressed at some point that they felt overwhelmed or unable to cope.

AND THAT WAS BEFORE A GLOBAL PANDEMIC!

I wonder what that statistic would be now, given all the changes and uncertainty in the world.

Stress, of course, isn’t always a bad thing.  Without it, we probably wouldn’t have survived. Our ancestors relied on ‘fight, flight and freeze’ stress reactions to escape many tricky situations (think sabre tooth tigers and cavemen).

Even today there are certain situations where stress is really useful. In dangerous situations, the release of hormones such as adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine, gives us the energy to react quickly.  For example, at 8 months pregnant I somehow managed to hold a car to stop it from falling on top of my husband when the car fell off the car jack whilst he was under the car!

I guess the problem is when we have a stress reaction to less dangerous situations and all the blood flows to the muscles that are needed for fight or flight and brain function is minimised and we just can’t think straight. And for me the more I can’t think straight, the more stressed I get!

I get less stressed now than I used to. I have learnt strategies to cope on those occasions when I do start to feel stress coming.

What works when we are stressed is different for different people but for me, my stress survival strategies are as follows:

1. Write a list.
   It always helps me to see everything that I have to do or that is bothering me down on paper.  I then move them into 4 lists – High, medium, low and someone else.  This allows me to really focus on what is urgent right now, what I can delegate and all of a sudden, I am not quite so stressed and overwhelmed;
   
2. Ask myself the question.
   “Will this matter in a year’s time?”  If the answer is ‘no’ then I try really hard not to let it matter in that moment. Easier said than done I know but it helps to put things in perspective;
   
3. Move.
   No not a walk, that’s not for me, the gym, Nah! But a kitchen disco, I stick on some top tunes and dance. I sing and dance as if no one is watching (even if they are!);
   
4. Say No!
   If I’m really overwhelmed and stressed, I give myself permission to say no.  It doesn’t make me a bad person; it makes me someone who cares about myself and is being as kind to myself as I am to others;
   
5. Distraction.
   Usually some mind-numbing activity like sorting out the kitchen cupboards or pairing socks, it helps the thinking part of my brain get back in control and it helps me feel better.  Failing that a good film or binge-watch a series;
   
6. Be honest.
   I tell my nearest and dearest that I am stressed and why.  Spending time with good people in good places eases stress and reminds me of the many good reasons to be more chilled.

So that’s my Six Stress Survival Strategies.  If you want to think about this more and think about what works for you, you can download The Pink Widow’s Six Stress Survival Strategies here:

I’d love to hear what works for you when you are stressed.

And if all else fails remind yourself you have a 100% success rate of surviving the tough days!

February is the month of love supposedly; although l think every month should be the month of love!

February is also LGBT+ history month. I wrote The Princess Without a Crown (https://tinyurl.com/3ebw6z2k) because I wanted little people to be able to read books that gave a strong ‘Love is Love’ message. I read many books as a Primary School Teacher, and felt frustrated that there weren’t enough books where the main characters represented the diversity of love that surrounds us.

Love is love and we should be free to love whoever we love, without fear of prejudice and discrimination.  I felt very proud when my 9-year-old granddaughter came home and said,

“Nanny, someone at school was being mean and called me gay.”

I asked her if she understood what it meant. 

“Of course!” she said, “It’s when a boy loves a boy, or a girl loves a girl.  But I don’t understand why they said that when they were being mean. It’s nothing to be mean about!”

Out of the mouths of babes! 

This is why books to smash stereotypes are so important.

This is why young minds need to be encouraged to understand and celebrate diversity. 

This is why I write books to smash stereotypes.

A great champion of this is my friend Mama G.  Check out this video she has made about LGBT+ history; I’m excited to say that it features The Princess Without a Crown.

Perhaps the most important love though is loving ourselves. Loving who you are and what you look like. Loving the skin, you’re in!  But that can be hard sometimes, can’t it?  Many of us put our love for others above our love for ourselves.  In fact, we are conditioned to believe we must be a good wife, a good mother, a good sister and a good daughter. Quite often at the cost of being good to ourselves.

I’m not suggesting you become selfish and don’t think about others, BUT I am encouraging you to think about yourselves more; to love yourself more.

You are special, you are unique.  You deserve love, from yourself and others.  Not just in February, but all year round.  So, I have a little task for you. Write a love letter to yourself.  Yes, to yourself!  Tell yourself how absolutely amazing you are and everything you love about yourself! Here’s mine!

Lots of people celebrate New Year’s Eve and think about New Year’s resolutions.  They plan the ways that they want to change themselves, or their lives, to improve them, and be better.

Too much of our lives can be spent planning and dreaming of the future, usually a different future than the present we are sitting in right now. My life experiences have taught me a harsh lesson and I no longer spend time waiting for the future that may never come.  I live more in the present moment and, although I still make plans for the future, I do not do that at the expense of living in the now and enjoying every moment that I have.

Rather than New Year’s resolutions I write a list of things I want to do, or achieve in the coming year. This year this list looks a little like this:

22 Things to do in 2022

01- Grow some vegetables

02- Go to the theatre

03- Launch The #Writer Box

04- Dig foundations for new house

05- Stay at the Cartford

06- Run writing workshops

07- Dance, Dance and Dance some more!

08- Read 22 books

09- Attend 10 networking meetings

10- Go to RO

11- Do blockwork for new house

12- Visit an art gallery

13- Start morning walks along the prom again

14- Grow Decking Daddy

15 -Enjoy Bessie the Beach Hut

16- Have family Sunday roasts as often as possible

17- Do a reading in a library

18- Chill at a spa weekend

19- Purchase a piece of original art

20- Write 12 chapters of my novel

21- Hear some live poetry/spoken word

22- Write a blog every month

Some are serious, some are silly. Some will be easy to achieve, some I won’t manage, but that’s ok.

Living through the global pandemic I guess it’s a bit hard to talk hopes and dreams of the future without mentioning COVID.  My biggest hope would be that COVID would cease being a threat to our physical health, mental health and way of life.

I intend to spend 2022 living in the now, living from love, having fun, laughing out loud and dreaming, dancing and doing whatever feels good!

I hope you have a great 2022 and I’d love to hear your plans!

Today I’ve woken up alone, which reminds me of my early days of widowhood.  Those moments where you roll over, reach out, and remember.  There’s no one there.  He’s not there.  He never will be again.

I come downstairs and the house is empty.  Luckily for me, just because the boys have gone on a boy’s boating holiday for a week, not because anyone has died. This time. 

My tummy rumbles and I head to the kitchen.  It’s the weekend but what’s the point of a treat breakfast for one?

So, I head for a breakfast bar, and stop.

I remember the lessons I learnt from my widowhood.

When I was first alone, after Martin died I couldn’t be bothered with anything, and that included cooking.

‘What’s the point for one?’ I would often ask myself.  I didn’t look after myself, I existed but I didn’t really look after myself.

I very quickly realised that couldn’t become the way I was.

Life is for the living, and that includes good, healthy, tasty food.

As widows we must look after ourselves, even if it does mean cooking for one.

I know some days the grief will be too much and a breakfast bar is all you can manage; but when you can, look after yourself, eat well, you are worth it.

How cool is my new hat?
I mean it’s purple for a start so matches the front cover of The Princess Without a Crown.

#Writer

That may be my favourite hashtag and it’s certainly my favourite hat.
And I have many hats.
So that got me to thinking about the hats that I wear.

I’ve been wearing a mum hat for more than 30 years and it’s by far the thing I feel proudest of. I have 2 wonderful daughters. I’m not perfect, but I know they are two compassionate, caring and kind humans. They are strong, smart, beautiful and brave and I know I have had some influence on them other the years. I don’t like to say I raised them to be x, y or z because actually I believe the best skill in parenting is letting your children make their own choices and be themselves. They are good people and they are both in my life, even after the incident where the real-life Princess Lottie ate a tube of superglue (bad mother).

I also wear a daughter and sister hat. Families are complicated and mine is no different, but at the heart of it is love. We are fundamentally there for each other, no matter what. We are not scared to tell each other when we have differences of opinions because ultimately, we know that love is what holds us together, and always will. Love with a healthy dose of sarcasm gets us through our shared ups and downs!

Lover, wife, partner, girlfriend, widow. Wow so many of those hats that we wear with our nearest and dearest. Those we show our whole self, intimately. Deepest love, strongest desires and yet maybe the most fragile of hats. Sometimes destroyed in the blink of an eye, a catastrophic ending or a slow withering of love or life. The duality of these hats indicating the complexities of human relationships. I can be a widow and a lover at the same time, these hats are not mutually exclusive.

Many hats we wear in our personal life and many in our professional life, worker, boss, activist, agitator, leader, follower, educator, cheerleader, and of course the #writer hat… the list could go on. I have and still do wear those hats on a daily basis. Yet there is still a hat I wear that I don’t feel comfortable in, it’s tight, constraining, itchy and scratchy. If I look in the mirror the me that wears that hat doesn’t look like the real me.

#Businesswoman

That hat is not my hat. Yet I know if I am to make a success as an author, I must wear that hat. It can’t all be writing and creating beautiful stories and books. I need to be a business woman to get those books sold and in the hands of readers. Not so I can make loads of money. I have no desire to be rich. I have an unshakable desire to tell stories to smash stereotypes. I have an unshakable desire to make sure that people get to read them. I am making a commitment to wear my uncomfortable #businesswoman hat and make sure that my books get into the hands of little people so that they know, they should not let themselves be put into boxes, and that they can wear any hat they choose!

Well it turns out that writing the book was the easy bit! I didn’t think so at the time, but I do now. The stories are in my head, the words flow with relative ease. The ideas, the inspiration, the visualisation, the making it happen. The enlisting, the engaging, the finding my team. Dreams into reality. All work, of course, but not hard work.

It’s exciting, it’s fun. The adrenaline is rushing, the words are flowing. It’s real. It’s happening. You can see the fruits of your labour, literally as a book appears. A flurry of excitement as you rush to publication date, pre-orders begin, reviews happen. There is a buzz.

And then. The buzz becomes a gentle hum. It’s pleasant and comforting. It feels more real and oozes potential, but… What do you need to do to keep that hum going or even better to get it back to a buzz and that’s where the real work starts.

Now I have to say I am loving this stage too, but oh my I am having to learn new tricks. I’m having to be brave. I’m having to step outside my comfort zone and take risks. I’ve stepped into a brave new world and it’s certainly not as cosy and comfortable as my old world.

Networking. Facebook. Groups. Pages.
Instagram. Grid. Story. DM. PM. Hashtag.
Instagrammers. Bookstagrammers. Whatthegrammers
Business Brain. Tax. Accounts. Paypal. Postage. Packaging.
Bookplates. Business cards. Compliment slips.
Press releases. Adverts. Self-Promotion. Free promotion.
Lives. Interviews. Ring lights. Tripods. Clubhouse. On Stage. Off Stage. Hands Up.
Visionboards. Mission Statements. Life coach. Business Coach. Writing Coach.
Canva. Content. Scheduling. Planning. Editing. Posting.

Buzzing round my brain, learning those new tricks. A sense of achievement as ‘Little Miss Technophobe’ becomes ‘Ms I can do anything!’ ready for the hard bit!

As I held my book in my hand, I squealed, “It’s a real book, how exciting, it’s a real book!”

And it was. It’s so hard to describe those emotions I felt as I held the proof copy in my hand for the first time. Even harder to explain the feelings when a box of 100 copies arrived to be signed and sold… that box is pretty empty now and I need to order some more in the new year.

Excited, thrilled, ecstatic, alongside anxious, scared and unbelievable.

I’ve always loved reading, and writing. Both offered some form of escape from what some may call a traumatic childhood. But for me it was my childhood, it was normal, I was loved and was surrounded by good people who wanted the best for me, even when times were tough.

That love of reading and writing has stayed with me my whole life and I often dreamt of a reality in which I published books. 2020, the year of nightmares, saw that dream come true.

It’s incredibly tough to get a publishing deal, especially for children’s books, where some amazing, well known and well-established authors dominate the bookshelves of book stores and homes alike. As a working-class girl, who just about got her GCSEs and had to work incredibly hard to get her Batchelor Degree in Education, I already suffer with imposter syndrome and was not sure that I could handle a string of rejection letters.

Inspired by a friend who self-published (check out Parker Book on Facebook and Instagram) I decided to do it my way (in my head my Grandad Ted is now belting out his version of Sinatra’s classic). I knew the book was good enough, I knew it was a story that needed to be read in homes and classrooms and I knew I could make it real!

So, in my best South London accent I decided to “put my money where my mouth is”. With the money I had managed to save during lockdown from not having my usual spending habits I paid an amazing illustrator, an incredible publisher and together we turned “The Princess Without a Crown” into a book, a real book!

The joy that I feel when I now see children reading it is like no other, it may be a bit addictive so I’m now saving up to publish book two, so that I can make that real too!

Wow!

A book, a website, a Facebook page, an Instagram account, so many things that I now have, that make me feel like a real author!

I’ve always been a reader, a big reader.  I’ve always written, the odd story or poem here or there, diaries, journals and the like, so I guess I’ve always been a writer too.

But an author?  I’ve dreamt of it, but I wasn’t sure I would ever make it.  Publishing a book, having an audience to read my writing, the stuff that dreams are made of, now a reality.

On the 1^st December, my first children’s book, The Princess Without a Crown will be published, I’ve already sold 50 copies through pre-orders and to say I’m thrilled is an understatement.  

It’s real.  I am an author.  Books two and three are written and will be published in 2021 but for now I’m going to enjoy the moment and keep repeating that magical mantra to myself….

I AM AN AUTHOR!